Finding Beauty in Pain

The seventh anniversary of my wonderful Aunt Carol's passing is arriving next month, and I cannot help to be thinking of her. The memory of "the" phone call, me in that moment, collapsing on the ground, the world stopping, death....death had happened. My sadness, missing her. My love, remembering her. 

Last week my dear friend, Charis - along with two friends, journeyed to our hometown to remember her mothers passing four years ago. I cannot help to be thinking of her... missing Gingers laugh, her sweet eyes.

I've been numb for so long, but the trip to the ocean was freeing: maybe it was jumping in the waves like little girls, getting sand in our eyes like I hated so much as a kid, or maybe it was because I was remembering...the memories. What an amazing gift these two woman gave me - the joy they gave me as a child, the freedom to be a kid. 

Aunt Carol was so relaxed. She and my mom would catch up in life on the porch while my cousins, my siblings, and I would roam our farm or theirs...getting into mischief doing whatever our wild imaginations told us to do. Her head was a well of knowledge...anything you would need to know about horses, cows, cooking.... We would have insanely fun and loud Thanksgivings with both families' and then go on crazy "girl only" black Friday shopping adventures where we usually ended up eating our weight in doughnuts while the boys scavenged for fish or whittled swords in our absence.

Lovely Ginger was organized. From the tea dates that Charis and I frequently enjoyed to the epic scavenger hunts that she so carefully planned, Ginger was always having so much fun being a mom, being my moms friend, being our friend. Her house was laced with grace and warmth, projects all the time, kids to play with and snacks. Always healthy, yummy, snacks. 

Both women were role models then and now of whom I've wanted to be, they have shaped me into the person that I am.

And I will always miss them.

I miss them also for those that I love and whom they loved so dear. I just plain miss them....
...but its okay to cry sometimes, its okay to want them back with us here. 

We just have to remember not to get bitter when life is unfair, we have to remember the gifts that they left us and to cherish the memories that we hold in our hearts.

With love to Auntie Carol and to Ginger Martin. May you forever rest in peace - beautiful, beautiful women. - Kirsten Elaine Nibler

17, April 2014

~

 a photo I found in Charis' baby book when we were home last weekend. Martin home, Spring 1993

Kirsten 5 yr. - Charis 6 yrs.

~

Within my soul there are dreams

It is no secret to myself that I left part of my soul in the streets of Mumbia, part of my heart in the mountains of Nepal, part of my health in the hospital of Kathmandu, and part of my innocence at the sights, the experiences of India as a whole.

Sometimes I can smell the streets, hear the crowds from my apartment above the streets below, feel the excitement of so many people in such small spaces.

I struggle, daily, to remain content in America. So stay put, not prone to wander or travel to the ends of the earth like I so desire.

The wind blows and I want to be a part of that wind. Soaring open, everything set free.

Why is it that we have these bodies that bind us? What is our purpose if not to push our bodily limits and strive for the fullest life that can be attained...

Why is it that we have limitations that bind us? Money, social status, your spot in the world...some have to struggle so hard to attain the things that others take for granted every single day.

Yet they have taught me happiness; these are the people whom love deeply, give of what little they do posses.

I long to be free of the trivial things. On my commute to school, to work, to home, I pass so many things that I am ashamed make up the society that I am a part of. Why do we create so many things to bind us down?

Dreams are what hold me while I bind myself to school and build up a foundation for a life that can free people from these trivial things. To give back to others who have gone before me.

Robert Frost explained it well in one of my favorite poems:

LOVE has earth to which she clings

With hills and circling arms about—

Wall within wall to shut fear out.

But Thought has need of no such things,

For Thought has a pair of dauntless wings.

On snow and sand and turf, I see

Where Love has left a printed trace

With straining in the world’s embrace.

And such is Love and glad to be.

But Thought has shaken his ankles free.

Thought cleaves the interstellar gloom

And sits in Sirius’ disc all night,

Till day makes him retrace his flight,

With smell of burning on every plume,

Back past the sun to an earthly room.

His gains in heaven are what they are.

Yet some say Love by being thrall

And simply staying possesses all

In several beauty that Thought fares far

To find fused in another star.

- Robert Frost "Bound and Free" 

So I continue on, another day, another test of my knowledge, patience, and devotion - to the dreams within my soul.

2/22/2013

While sorting papers I just found this from a journal entry dated 2/22/2013

"I've arrived at a point in my life where I am so completely happy. Yeah, I wish my boyfriend didn't live 7 hours away - but I know that potentially we will have the rest of our lives to spend together and that our young love and commitment to each other is capable of sustaining us in this season of being apart. Sometimes I wish I were done with school - and yet I love school, I love learning...I will remain satisfied. I wish I could travel more, dream less...but my dreams are what push me to work hard enough to be able to do all that I desire to accomplish.

I've always struggled with the balance between contentment and determination. Mostly with contentment - so I had it tattooed on my arm, just as a reminder. I need that balance...pushing, staying, pulling; giving, living, receiving...whatever you're doing being satisfied."

As I plug along at studying yet again I have to take a moment to be grateful for all the beautiful lives unfolding...

Spring

Growing up I never understood why, with the very first signs of spring – usually when the first songbird would come to visit our porch outside the kitchen window and sing a little tune, mom would burst into song herself with a cheerful “Laaaaaaa, LAAAAAA la la la LAAAA…” If the day showed any promise of warmth she would run to the laundry room and gather up everything out of the washer, throwing open the windows and leaving the door open after her as she hung the articles outside and left them to flapping merrily in the breeze. As entertained as I was watching my mom freak out about spring, I still thought she was always just a little weird. Embarrassing too – I bet the neighbors across every field could hear; sound traveled great in our little valley.

Some things you don’t realize until you’re older and definitely don’t appreciate as much either. For me, in this particular area of my life, the realization came suddenly one morning last weekend when a little songbird woke me up as the sun came slipping through my curtains. I jumped out of bed, threw open my porch door and greeted the day with a “LAAAAA la la la LAAAA…” I just couldn’t resist! And then I was laughing – who is the weird one now? I have hundreds more neighbors in Portland than our little country abode to wake up with my embarrassing spring song. 

Every day the mornings are a little brighter when I make my way to school and the sun a little warmer. My heart is soaring. Being in love probably has something to do with it…I am so happy, so content, and I feel so free to dream all that I’ve ever wanted to dream. This is spring – I’m going out to enjoy it.  

Climbing so that I may soar

Friday night as I was working my 2nd job out of the three I worked this week I sleepily and grumpily did some calculations of all the hours I'd accumulated so far:

25 hours: classroom
30 hours: work
20 hours: studying
10 hours: climbing

...and that wasn't including the volunteering for a pilots breakfast on Saturday and the third job I was working Saturday evening - not to mention the 6-8 hours of studying/projects I had to work on as well.

This is probably the hardest I've ever worked in my life and I wondered why on earth I was doing all this...I'm constantly tired, constantly burning energy and eating food, and constantly craving more coffee.

But Saturday morning after the breakfast I had the opportunity to fly, and I remembered. This is why I'm living this crazy life... so that I can be free; so that I can fly. Also, the pilot who took me up asked if I'd like to help him work on fixing his glider in exchange for gliding lessons! WHAT?! (awesome)

It was almost a whole year ago that I had to come up with a backup plan in case I couldn't start flying like I'd hoped, and now I'm doing that plan - but its progress. Progress.

I am climbing; one day at a time. Sometimes when I'm climbing I get tired and I give up; I climb down and save it for another time. But today all I have to remember is that when I get to the top of this mountain I am not climbing back down, nope: I'm flying.

So I go onward. Forward. Upward.

I am growing stronger.

rain

It rained yesterday and it was wonderful. The earth was still sleeping when I drove to school. The clouds were thick and deliciously chilly, but no rain (I was dissapointed because - a. I wanted to wear rain boots and - b. I promised myself the first day it rained this fall I would go buy a fish). Then at 9am in the morning as I was sitting in my classroom working out a problem with a couple of classmates, magically, it began to rain. During break I took up all the blinds and donned the sweater in my bag. We had a midterm at 9:30a and every time I had to think really, really hard for an answer, I would look out the window and watch the rain. Magic is rain and rain is magic - of this I am quite certain, because every time I watched the rain, just like that, the answer would come. Test over, we started talking about the engineers of the airplane: my favorite part so far - drawing! But, as excited as I was, I could not stop wishing that I could be playing in the rain, that my dear boyfriend would be home for dinner, and that class would get out.

Work was amazing. Tommy (the 7-yr old I nanny) and I went to buy me a fish. We walked three blocks to the fish store from my car : simply because I wanted to walk in the rain. . . poor Tommy. While we there he surprised me...a fish tank was overflowing and Tommy made it his personal business to make sure they knew of the disaster that was flooding their store. It was so adorable, he is such a big talking little man, but the most sensitive, loving little guy I have ever known. We played legos and drank hot drinks all afternoon and talked made up stories for our lego creations...reminded me of all those fun evenings with my siblings playing legos with the rain falling outside and the fire crackling in the hearth when dad would be working and mom making dinner. So fun.

My friend Bonnie, and I made soup this week which was also nostalgic. I love the fall...it makes me love those who are dear to me and miss the ones who are far away.

I'm taking Addison and Sydnie (the girls I used to nanny) to a Halloween party next weekend and I am so excited. They are dressing up as Snow white and Ariel so I am going to wear a tiara and my prettiest "princess dress". Haha, I am so excited.

Today I did nothing. Well, I went climbing - but that is as relaxing as doing nothing...lately its been hard to do anything but homework and finally collapse into bed when I get home so its very nice to do...nothing, and to climb.

Tomorrow I will have ten hours of homework I am sure. . . but for the rest of the night I am going to do laundry, listen to music, and make a menu for the month - I am going to do absolutely nothing that has to do with airplanes and flying.

Love, Hope, and Joy

A couple months ago I had a few friends sit down with me and write down every emotion we were feeling at the moment. I found my list tonight and I thought I'd share because its a good list of words...and because I still feel the same way about life...

1. Happy
2. Content
3. Driven 
4. Focused
5. Relaxed
6. Beautiful
7. Loved
8. Secure
9. Overwhelmed
10. Excited
11. Strong
12. In love with the people in my life. Those who are honest and deeply care about me - and I them.

...only I'd like to add a couple of words: - stable and - blessed.


Life is beautiful when there is love, hope, joy in it. <3