Finding Beauty

You know the feeling of being disappointed? In people you know, you're own expectations, school being more difficult than you want it to be, or a job that just isn't going where you hoped that it would?

Stop.

Find some beauty: in yourself; take care of yourself, push yourself to the limit, never stop pushing yourself. Find beauty in others: get to know someone; ask questions, be curious, go out on random adventures, get out of town, save money, live: simply live.

Be renewed. Change your attitude.

{You have just read my daily prep-talk that I read . . . to myself}

Determined to become all that I am

I always want to be inspired.

Sometimes I find normal life mundane.

I love to go to school, only I want to be challenged more.

I find it sad when I get impatient, because life is being patient with me.

Sometimes I find little things exciting (like fixing my car or making a paycheck...) but all too often I forget to feel grateful.

I want to be grateful.

I want always to find balance – to grow and change, but always, always remain: content.

Determined. And content.

the series of Lunacy

Emotions: womans worst enemy?
I know I'm not alone in the world of emotions, but that's the problem with emotions; they have no logic, they rarely have any reason, and because of this, while experiencing a lot of overwhelming emotions, you will probably feel completely and utterly alone and also very crazy.

That's how I felt yesterday after a very crazy week of the past meeting present and trying to understand my future. Why I feel like I have to understand everything, I do not know. How I can live and let go I am seeking to find. Everything else: I want to enjoy. I want my head to get out of the way.

So, I started an art series. Drawings in black and white. I hope to explore what has been and what I desire to be through a sketching of a girl who doesn't have the limits that I do as a human and that I struggle to accept...

está nevando en la ciudad de Portland

today i opened my eyes to the excitement of snow, in a warm bed, with a very happy heart and this is what i did:
i woke up slow.
then i pulled my clothes on and rumpled my hair, said goodbye and went on an adventure to buy a textbook off Craiglist from a lady who sent it to work with her husband. it saved me fifteen minutes of driving to their house and after a stop to get gas and another to get coffee, i was driving through a sleepy stretch of town called Aloha (20 min from Portland) where i found the address to an audio video store and asked for the husband. he was away on a parts run so i watched football on the car monitors that were for display and watched the snow out the window. he returned and  after making my purchase (and saving $50) i stopped at two different auto supply stores before finding what i needed.
at home, i immediately put on these glasses that made me feel smart all day... i took down the Christmas tree, vacuumed, did the dishes, swept, made a smoothie, did laundry, studied for an hour, changed my motorcycle battery, car headlight and air filter, showered, homework and a quiz: 100% on my nutrition quiz. 94.2% on online spanish homework... i accept.
next i read about pilot careers and worked on an essay.
dinner was made; vegetables, tempeh, lentils and rice.
more homework, then wrote a letter.
hung out with charli and some friends.
wrote. thought. painted.
planned a yoga sesh with a friend for tomorrow evening. with tea. and dinner.
this was my day, and now as i'm writing this i'm listening to "old enough" by the raconteurs.
now, i think i will study spanish one more time.
then i will dream of tomorrow.
think of all the things we can do tomorrow!
sometimes all you need is a pair of glasses to wear....

Domingo noche, 08 de enero, 37 grados {degrees} F.

Tomorrow I start yet another term of school. To cope with this upcoming fact I have snuggled in bed with a snack of almonds and raisins - accompanied, of course, by a glass of wine. The quilt that tops my bed and that I acquired when I lived in Hawaii is topped with a stack of aircraft and aviation "how to" books that I checked out at the downtown library today: Aircraft Recognition Guide, the Professional Pilots Career Guide, Hard Air, and the Instrument Flying Handbook . . . the fact is; I cannot stop thinking and dreaming about being a pilot, about --- flying.

Last week I had to sit myself down. Face the hard facts: flying is expensive. What happens if, for some reason, I am unable to fund this venture? I cannot be let down - and so I prepare myself, and I know that without a doubt if this happens I will need a new challenge. A new goal. So, I have come up with a backup plan. This involves becoming a flight attendant (for the air-miles and because I always thought it would be fun) and whatever other job I may need to get to save money. I would then probably buy a sailboat and teach myself to travel on the sea. Go to various islands and climb. Hike. Become closer to the earth. Breathe. Live.

But before that, more than anything, I desire to fly.

On wings I will soar

I have started a new journey. There is something inside of me that I do not understand, this drive that does not allow me to settle for anything but to be true to myself, and so I am pursuing a dream that has both inspired and frightened me since the first time I seriously considered it at the age of 16 - being a pilot.

The recent rebirth of this goal started during the summer when my motorcycle was no longer fast or big enough to be anything of a challenge to me. I would take it to the tallest mountains that it could handle and wish to go further, higher. Not wanting to become sidetracked from school though I decided to push through until I at least had my transfer degree - but this is becoming impossible. Not only do my classes seem like a waste of time when there is sunshine in the sky and I could be logging hours, but school is no longer a challenge when I could be doing something - in my eyes - greater; something like flying.

 

This week I had to stop and reevaluate my motives. What is it, I wondered, that inhibits me from committing to finishing school as I planned? I want to stay focused but maybe a change of focus is okay? I went through every option, every outcome at least a dozen times and I decided that it is all relative...life continues and it will continue but unless I do that which is burning in me to do: to be free of everything I do not understand and follow myself into the unknown, until then I will not be satisfied.

So, I'm applying to become a student of flight. Its scary to me and I know I will need the support of my friends to become the best that I can be, but I am confident that with you I will succeed. I've had various friends who have given me little pushes along the way so far to take the steps to actually start this process - my sister Kendra has been my biggest cheer leading squad ...she even went with me to the aviation medical doctor to get my examination because I was so nervous. Tomorrow I hand in my application and shall wait to see what happens... we shall see... we shall see.

welcome to my new blog

This summer has been a season of many changes for me, mainly in discovering more of who I am and what I want to do to become someone greater - and I feel as though I've jumped head first in making the changes necessary to do everything that is in my heart to do during the life I have to live.

A couple of things that I seriously enjoy are writing and art of any form. Photography and journalism are two things that I desire to grow in, but for whatever reason, haven't spent a great deal of time in developing, and it is here - in this blog - that I would like to write stories. Post some of my photos. I hope that in sharing you too will be able to come along with me on the many adventures that make my life so meaningful and exciting.

Cheers my friends.