...today I felt as though I could fly

Today I...woke up @7:30am & did homework, made smoothies and coffee with Charis while watching The Office, sewed a little dress for the 5yr old that I nanny (her birthday is this week), cleaned the house from head to foot (including organizing my dreaded closet & laundry), acupuncture (nap included) with my roommate Charli, whose car tire I failed at attempting to fill up with air - afterwards wondering how I'll ever be a mechanic (this is a new story in my life and details will be to follow). I then talked with Caiti while she bought tickets to Portland in two weeks (YAY, it'll be Spring break and we're going to Canada! WHOOT!), researched what else I need to get in order for school, found $40 (in my closet),  and then shared a beer (and a 1/2) with my friend Chris while talking about days of past - which I realized after he left is in celebration of my third March living in Portland! I haven't been in one spot for this long in a while and it feels weird...but, I'm starting to enjoy it here.

The day has come to an end and I sit here reflecting on it in joy of what it brought...and tomorrow looks just as exciting - Math class at 8am, bouldering for a few hours, weight-lifting, lunch, homework, work, out to dinner with Charli and our neighbors, homework, bed...I like having a schedule filled with so many wonderful things.

And I have something to look forward to: I've been writing about wanting to become a pilot...well, this is not coming together and as the deadlines were fast approaching to start the program by Spring I decided I must come up with a plan B - which for now is the road I am taking: I have decided to become an "Aviation Maintenance Technician". A couple weeks ago I had a tour of the hangar where classes are held and fell in love with what I saw and who I met. About 10 airplanes were scattered about with various students after the morning classes working on a few of them - practicing what they'd learned that day. I was jealous...it looks like so much fun! And there is a painting room...a parts testing room that looks like a dark room, and an awesome section that looks like a giant sewing and button machine  - it is rad. To top it off I've taken every necessary class to get in - all I need is my intro course (next term) and $1,500 worth of tools (its going to be like Christmas in my house soon - I cannot wait to go tool shopping! So exciting!). The only thing that scares me is that there are very few girls who apply. I in fact could be the only woman all year...that'd be odd.

My adviser was awesome but didn't fail to tell me multiple times that this program is not easy and that I had to be serious if I was going to keep up with all the classes...I think I am ready for the challenge: I need a challenge. And, in two years - when I graduate -  I am going to get a AMT job on an airport, live with family and save every single penny to become a pilot . . . I cannot wait to be a mechanic technician and to someday be a pilot. I cannot wait to be a flower gardener, a pop-corn cook for my own business, maybe be an adoptive mom, maybe a photographer. I cannot wait to travel and go on adventures - probably tomorrow - and to laugh as much as today...

...today I felt as though I could fly

Finding Beauty

You know the feeling of being disappointed? In people you know, you're own expectations, school being more difficult than you want it to be, or a job that just isn't going where you hoped that it would?

Stop.

Find some beauty: in yourself; take care of yourself, push yourself to the limit, never stop pushing yourself. Find beauty in others: get to know someone; ask questions, be curious, go out on random adventures, get out of town, save money, live: simply live.

Be renewed. Change your attitude.

{You have just read my daily prep-talk that I read . . . to myself}

Determined to become all that I am

I always want to be inspired.

Sometimes I find normal life mundane.

I love to go to school, only I want to be challenged more.

I find it sad when I get impatient, because life is being patient with me.

Sometimes I find little things exciting (like fixing my car or making a paycheck...) but all too often I forget to feel grateful.

I want to be grateful.

I want always to find balance – to grow and change, but always, always remain: content.

Determined. And content.

the series of Lunacy

Emotions: womans worst enemy?
I know I'm not alone in the world of emotions, but that's the problem with emotions; they have no logic, they rarely have any reason, and because of this, while experiencing a lot of overwhelming emotions, you will probably feel completely and utterly alone and also very crazy.

That's how I felt yesterday after a very crazy week of the past meeting present and trying to understand my future. Why I feel like I have to understand everything, I do not know. How I can live and let go I am seeking to find. Everything else: I want to enjoy. I want my head to get out of the way.

So, I started an art series. Drawings in black and white. I hope to explore what has been and what I desire to be through a sketching of a girl who doesn't have the limits that I do as a human and that I struggle to accept...

está nevando en la ciudad de Portland

today i opened my eyes to the excitement of snow, in a warm bed, with a very happy heart and this is what i did:
i woke up slow.
then i pulled my clothes on and rumpled my hair, said goodbye and went on an adventure to buy a textbook off Craiglist from a lady who sent it to work with her husband. it saved me fifteen minutes of driving to their house and after a stop to get gas and another to get coffee, i was driving through a sleepy stretch of town called Aloha (20 min from Portland) where i found the address to an audio video store and asked for the husband. he was away on a parts run so i watched football on the car monitors that were for display and watched the snow out the window. he returned and  after making my purchase (and saving $50) i stopped at two different auto supply stores before finding what i needed.
at home, i immediately put on these glasses that made me feel smart all day... i took down the Christmas tree, vacuumed, did the dishes, swept, made a smoothie, did laundry, studied for an hour, changed my motorcycle battery, car headlight and air filter, showered, homework and a quiz: 100% on my nutrition quiz. 94.2% on online spanish homework... i accept.
next i read about pilot careers and worked on an essay.
dinner was made; vegetables, tempeh, lentils and rice.
more homework, then wrote a letter.
hung out with charli and some friends.
wrote. thought. painted.
planned a yoga sesh with a friend for tomorrow evening. with tea. and dinner.
this was my day, and now as i'm writing this i'm listening to "old enough" by the raconteurs.
now, i think i will study spanish one more time.
then i will dream of tomorrow.
think of all the things we can do tomorrow!
sometimes all you need is a pair of glasses to wear....

Domingo noche, 08 de enero, 37 grados {degrees} F.

Tomorrow I start yet another term of school. To cope with this upcoming fact I have snuggled in bed with a snack of almonds and raisins - accompanied, of course, by a glass of wine. The quilt that tops my bed and that I acquired when I lived in Hawaii is topped with a stack of aircraft and aviation "how to" books that I checked out at the downtown library today: Aircraft Recognition Guide, the Professional Pilots Career Guide, Hard Air, and the Instrument Flying Handbook . . . the fact is; I cannot stop thinking and dreaming about being a pilot, about --- flying.

Last week I had to sit myself down. Face the hard facts: flying is expensive. What happens if, for some reason, I am unable to fund this venture? I cannot be let down - and so I prepare myself, and I know that without a doubt if this happens I will need a new challenge. A new goal. So, I have come up with a backup plan. This involves becoming a flight attendant (for the air-miles and because I always thought it would be fun) and whatever other job I may need to get to save money. I would then probably buy a sailboat and teach myself to travel on the sea. Go to various islands and climb. Hike. Become closer to the earth. Breathe. Live.

But before that, more than anything, I desire to fly.

On wings I will soar

I have started a new journey. There is something inside of me that I do not understand, this drive that does not allow me to settle for anything but to be true to myself, and so I am pursuing a dream that has both inspired and frightened me since the first time I seriously considered it at the age of 16 - being a pilot.

The recent rebirth of this goal started during the summer when my motorcycle was no longer fast or big enough to be anything of a challenge to me. I would take it to the tallest mountains that it could handle and wish to go further, higher. Not wanting to become sidetracked from school though I decided to push through until I at least had my transfer degree - but this is becoming impossible. Not only do my classes seem like a waste of time when there is sunshine in the sky and I could be logging hours, but school is no longer a challenge when I could be doing something - in my eyes - greater; something like flying.

 

This week I had to stop and reevaluate my motives. What is it, I wondered, that inhibits me from committing to finishing school as I planned? I want to stay focused but maybe a change of focus is okay? I went through every option, every outcome at least a dozen times and I decided that it is all relative...life continues and it will continue but unless I do that which is burning in me to do: to be free of everything I do not understand and follow myself into the unknown, until then I will not be satisfied.

So, I'm applying to become a student of flight. Its scary to me and I know I will need the support of my friends to become the best that I can be, but I am confident that with you I will succeed. I've had various friends who have given me little pushes along the way so far to take the steps to actually start this process - my sister Kendra has been my biggest cheer leading squad ...she even went with me to the aviation medical doctor to get my examination because I was so nervous. Tomorrow I hand in my application and shall wait to see what happens... we shall see... we shall see.