Finding Beauty in Pain

The seventh anniversary of my wonderful Aunt Carol's passing is arriving next month, and I cannot help to be thinking of her. The memory of "the" phone call, me in that moment, collapsing on the ground, the world stopping, death....death had happened. My sadness, missing her. My love, remembering her. 

Last week my dear friend, Charis - along with two friends, journeyed to our hometown to remember her mothers passing four years ago. I cannot help to be thinking of her... missing Gingers laugh, her sweet eyes.

I've been numb for so long, but the trip to the ocean was freeing: maybe it was jumping in the waves like little girls, getting sand in our eyes like I hated so much as a kid, or maybe it was because I was remembering...the memories. What an amazing gift these two woman gave me - the joy they gave me as a child, the freedom to be a kid. 

Aunt Carol was so relaxed. She and my mom would catch up in life on the porch while my cousins, my siblings, and I would roam our farm or theirs...getting into mischief doing whatever our wild imaginations told us to do. Her head was a well of knowledge...anything you would need to know about horses, cows, cooking.... We would have insanely fun and loud Thanksgivings with both families' and then go on crazy "girl only" black Friday shopping adventures where we usually ended up eating our weight in doughnuts while the boys scavenged for fish or whittled swords in our absence.

Lovely Ginger was organized. From the tea dates that Charis and I frequently enjoyed to the epic scavenger hunts that she so carefully planned, Ginger was always having so much fun being a mom, being my moms friend, being our friend. Her house was laced with grace and warmth, projects all the time, kids to play with and snacks. Always healthy, yummy, snacks. 

Both women were role models then and now of whom I've wanted to be, they have shaped me into the person that I am.

And I will always miss them.

I miss them also for those that I love and whom they loved so dear. I just plain miss them....
...but its okay to cry sometimes, its okay to want them back with us here. 

We just have to remember not to get bitter when life is unfair, we have to remember the gifts that they left us and to cherish the memories that we hold in our hearts.

With love to Auntie Carol and to Ginger Martin. May you forever rest in peace - beautiful, beautiful women. - Kirsten Elaine Nibler

17, April 2014

~

 a photo I found in Charis' baby book when we were home last weekend. Martin home, Spring 1993

Kirsten 5 yr. - Charis 6 yrs.

~

Within my soul there are dreams

It is no secret to myself that I left part of my soul in the streets of Mumbia, part of my heart in the mountains of Nepal, part of my health in the hospital of Kathmandu, and part of my innocence at the sights, the experiences of India as a whole.

Sometimes I can smell the streets, hear the crowds from my apartment above the streets below, feel the excitement of so many people in such small spaces.

I struggle, daily, to remain content in America. So stay put, not prone to wander or travel to the ends of the earth like I so desire.

The wind blows and I want to be a part of that wind. Soaring open, everything set free.

Why is it that we have these bodies that bind us? What is our purpose if not to push our bodily limits and strive for the fullest life that can be attained...

Why is it that we have limitations that bind us? Money, social status, your spot in the world...some have to struggle so hard to attain the things that others take for granted every single day.

Yet they have taught me happiness; these are the people whom love deeply, give of what little they do posses.

I long to be free of the trivial things. On my commute to school, to work, to home, I pass so many things that I am ashamed make up the society that I am a part of. Why do we create so many things to bind us down?

Dreams are what hold me while I bind myself to school and build up a foundation for a life that can free people from these trivial things. To give back to others who have gone before me.

Robert Frost explained it well in one of my favorite poems:

LOVE has earth to which she clings

With hills and circling arms about—

Wall within wall to shut fear out.

But Thought has need of no such things,

For Thought has a pair of dauntless wings.

On snow and sand and turf, I see

Where Love has left a printed trace

With straining in the world’s embrace.

And such is Love and glad to be.

But Thought has shaken his ankles free.

Thought cleaves the interstellar gloom

And sits in Sirius’ disc all night,

Till day makes him retrace his flight,

With smell of burning on every plume,

Back past the sun to an earthly room.

His gains in heaven are what they are.

Yet some say Love by being thrall

And simply staying possesses all

In several beauty that Thought fares far

To find fused in another star.

- Robert Frost "Bound and Free" 

So I continue on, another day, another test of my knowledge, patience, and devotion - to the dreams within my soul.

2/22/2013

While sorting papers I just found this from a journal entry dated 2/22/2013

"I've arrived at a point in my life where I am so completely happy. Yeah, I wish my boyfriend didn't live 7 hours away - but I know that potentially we will have the rest of our lives to spend together and that our young love and commitment to each other is capable of sustaining us in this season of being apart. Sometimes I wish I were done with school - and yet I love school, I love learning...I will remain satisfied. I wish I could travel more, dream less...but my dreams are what push me to work hard enough to be able to do all that I desire to accomplish.

I've always struggled with the balance between contentment and determination. Mostly with contentment - so I had it tattooed on my arm, just as a reminder. I need that balance...pushing, staying, pulling; giving, living, receiving...whatever you're doing being satisfied."

As I plug along at studying yet again I have to take a moment to be grateful for all the beautiful lives unfolding...

Spring

Growing up I never understood why, with the very first signs of spring – usually when the first songbird would come to visit our porch outside the kitchen window and sing a little tune, mom would burst into song herself with a cheerful “Laaaaaaa, LAAAAAA la la la LAAAA…” If the day showed any promise of warmth she would run to the laundry room and gather up everything out of the washer, throwing open the windows and leaving the door open after her as she hung the articles outside and left them to flapping merrily in the breeze. As entertained as I was watching my mom freak out about spring, I still thought she was always just a little weird. Embarrassing too – I bet the neighbors across every field could hear; sound traveled great in our little valley.

Some things you don’t realize until you’re older and definitely don’t appreciate as much either. For me, in this particular area of my life, the realization came suddenly one morning last weekend when a little songbird woke me up as the sun came slipping through my curtains. I jumped out of bed, threw open my porch door and greeted the day with a “LAAAAA la la la LAAAA…” I just couldn’t resist! And then I was laughing – who is the weird one now? I have hundreds more neighbors in Portland than our little country abode to wake up with my embarrassing spring song. 

Every day the mornings are a little brighter when I make my way to school and the sun a little warmer. My heart is soaring. Being in love probably has something to do with it…I am so happy, so content, and I feel so free to dream all that I’ve ever wanted to dream. This is spring – I’m going out to enjoy it.  

Climbing so that I may soar

Friday night as I was working my 2nd job out of the three I worked this week I sleepily and grumpily did some calculations of all the hours I'd accumulated so far:

25 hours: classroom
30 hours: work
20 hours: studying
10 hours: climbing

...and that wasn't including the volunteering for a pilots breakfast on Saturday and the third job I was working Saturday evening - not to mention the 6-8 hours of studying/projects I had to work on as well.

This is probably the hardest I've ever worked in my life and I wondered why on earth I was doing all this...I'm constantly tired, constantly burning energy and eating food, and constantly craving more coffee.

But Saturday morning after the breakfast I had the opportunity to fly, and I remembered. This is why I'm living this crazy life... so that I can be free; so that I can fly. Also, the pilot who took me up asked if I'd like to help him work on fixing his glider in exchange for gliding lessons! WHAT?! (awesome)

It was almost a whole year ago that I had to come up with a backup plan in case I couldn't start flying like I'd hoped, and now I'm doing that plan - but its progress. Progress.

I am climbing; one day at a time. Sometimes when I'm climbing I get tired and I give up; I climb down and save it for another time. But today all I have to remember is that when I get to the top of this mountain I am not climbing back down, nope: I'm flying.

So I go onward. Forward. Upward.

I am growing stronger.

rain

It rained yesterday and it was wonderful. The earth was still sleeping when I drove to school. The clouds were thick and deliciously chilly, but no rain (I was dissapointed because - a. I wanted to wear rain boots and - b. I promised myself the first day it rained this fall I would go buy a fish). Then at 9am in the morning as I was sitting in my classroom working out a problem with a couple of classmates, magically, it began to rain. During break I took up all the blinds and donned the sweater in my bag. We had a midterm at 9:30a and every time I had to think really, really hard for an answer, I would look out the window and watch the rain. Magic is rain and rain is magic - of this I am quite certain, because every time I watched the rain, just like that, the answer would come. Test over, we started talking about the engineers of the airplane: my favorite part so far - drawing! But, as excited as I was, I could not stop wishing that I could be playing in the rain, that my dear boyfriend would be home for dinner, and that class would get out.

Work was amazing. Tommy (the 7-yr old I nanny) and I went to buy me a fish. We walked three blocks to the fish store from my car : simply because I wanted to walk in the rain. . . poor Tommy. While we there he surprised me...a fish tank was overflowing and Tommy made it his personal business to make sure they knew of the disaster that was flooding their store. It was so adorable, he is such a big talking little man, but the most sensitive, loving little guy I have ever known. We played legos and drank hot drinks all afternoon and talked made up stories for our lego creations...reminded me of all those fun evenings with my siblings playing legos with the rain falling outside and the fire crackling in the hearth when dad would be working and mom making dinner. So fun.

My friend Bonnie, and I made soup this week which was also nostalgic. I love the fall...it makes me love those who are dear to me and miss the ones who are far away.

I'm taking Addison and Sydnie (the girls I used to nanny) to a Halloween party next weekend and I am so excited. They are dressing up as Snow white and Ariel so I am going to wear a tiara and my prettiest "princess dress". Haha, I am so excited.

Today I did nothing. Well, I went climbing - but that is as relaxing as doing nothing...lately its been hard to do anything but homework and finally collapse into bed when I get home so its very nice to do...nothing, and to climb.

Tomorrow I will have ten hours of homework I am sure. . . but for the rest of the night I am going to do laundry, listen to music, and make a menu for the month - I am going to do absolutely nothing that has to do with airplanes and flying.

Love, Hope, and Joy

A couple months ago I had a few friends sit down with me and write down every emotion we were feeling at the moment. I found my list tonight and I thought I'd share because its a good list of words...and because I still feel the same way about life...

1. Happy
2. Content
3. Driven 
4. Focused
5. Relaxed
6. Beautiful
7. Loved
8. Secure
9. Overwhelmed
10. Excited
11. Strong
12. In love with the people in my life. Those who are honest and deeply care about me - and I them.

...only I'd like to add a couple of words: - stable and - blessed.


Life is beautiful when there is love, hope, joy in it. <3

To Do List:

Sometimes, just so that I can think straight, I write a list. Today I am going to publish this list, well, because - writing is one of the things on it . . .

• School Things:

• Put together meteorology presentation, study for final
• Read rest of flying book and write a response paper
• Math homework, study for final
• Aviation project presentation
• Fly!

• Life things
• Climb for birthday, celebrate my shoulder healing!
• Drink tea, lay in bed, and write
• Work on Caitis wedding present, plan for trip 
• Buy black & white film for David and Tara's wedding party
• Finish fixing motorcycle and take her for a spin!
• Buy tools
• Bike
• Cook dinner; scallops - make Kelly teach me his trick
• Find a way to tell Bill how happy I am he helped me fix my car

• Family things
• Visit my nephews (and sis)
• Seattle this weekend - cousins wedding party & Idaho fam will be there!
•  Plan camping trip with Hannah
• Talk Caleb into going to Panama with me
• Take dad on tour of hanger

Today I didn't want to do anything with my life but lay in bed and sleep. . .but I slowly and painfully pulled myself through the day and told myself that tonight, I MUST rest. Its just that I find it so hard to slow down. There is always something I have to be doing, somewhere I need to be going - and now, I must catch my breath.

I can cross one thing off my list - Drink tea, lay in bed, and write.
But, I'd like to cross off another - Put together meteorology presentation, study for final. ...So off I am to research the faraway land!

sooner or later...

"We were all given two ears and one mouth, and they should be used in those proportions." - 80 year old Jean Schiffman, pilot for over 60 years.

"Bravery can be kind of an abstract concept - there are always anxious times when learning to fly. That is very normal and will keep you out of trouble. As you gain experience you become more confident." - My Intro to Aviation Teacher


You know the best part of today? Turning on a radio transceiver in a room full of pilots only to watch every face turn to smiles and every head turn to the window to look for flying weather - pilot young or old, you hear an airband and, apparently, you get excited for take-off.

I am not learning how to fly, no. I haven't even started mechanic school. But the wisdom I have gleaned in the past two weeks and the excited energy from everyone I meet is confirmation enough to me that I am where I was created to be. Eager to learn, ready for wisdom, I will take flight . . . sooner or later.

...today I felt as though I could fly

Today I...woke up @7:30am & did homework, made smoothies and coffee with Charis while watching The Office, sewed a little dress for the 5yr old that I nanny (her birthday is this week), cleaned the house from head to foot (including organizing my dreaded closet & laundry), acupuncture (nap included) with my roommate Charli, whose car tire I failed at attempting to fill up with air - afterwards wondering how I'll ever be a mechanic (this is a new story in my life and details will be to follow). I then talked with Caiti while she bought tickets to Portland in two weeks (YAY, it'll be Spring break and we're going to Canada! WHOOT!), researched what else I need to get in order for school, found $40 (in my closet),  and then shared a beer (and a 1/2) with my friend Chris while talking about days of past - which I realized after he left is in celebration of my third March living in Portland! I haven't been in one spot for this long in a while and it feels weird...but, I'm starting to enjoy it here.

The day has come to an end and I sit here reflecting on it in joy of what it brought...and tomorrow looks just as exciting - Math class at 8am, bouldering for a few hours, weight-lifting, lunch, homework, work, out to dinner with Charli and our neighbors, homework, bed...I like having a schedule filled with so many wonderful things.

And I have something to look forward to: I've been writing about wanting to become a pilot...well, this is not coming together and as the deadlines were fast approaching to start the program by Spring I decided I must come up with a plan B - which for now is the road I am taking: I have decided to become an "Aviation Maintenance Technician". A couple weeks ago I had a tour of the hangar where classes are held and fell in love with what I saw and who I met. About 10 airplanes were scattered about with various students after the morning classes working on a few of them - practicing what they'd learned that day. I was jealous...it looks like so much fun! And there is a painting room...a parts testing room that looks like a dark room, and an awesome section that looks like a giant sewing and button machine  - it is rad. To top it off I've taken every necessary class to get in - all I need is my intro course (next term) and $1,500 worth of tools (its going to be like Christmas in my house soon - I cannot wait to go tool shopping! So exciting!). The only thing that scares me is that there are very few girls who apply. I in fact could be the only woman all year...that'd be odd.

My adviser was awesome but didn't fail to tell me multiple times that this program is not easy and that I had to be serious if I was going to keep up with all the classes...I think I am ready for the challenge: I need a challenge. And, in two years - when I graduate -  I am going to get a AMT job on an airport, live with family and save every single penny to become a pilot . . . I cannot wait to be a mechanic technician and to someday be a pilot. I cannot wait to be a flower gardener, a pop-corn cook for my own business, maybe be an adoptive mom, maybe a photographer. I cannot wait to travel and go on adventures - probably tomorrow - and to laugh as much as today...

...today I felt as though I could fly

Finding Beauty

You know the feeling of being disappointed? In people you know, you're own expectations, school being more difficult than you want it to be, or a job that just isn't going where you hoped that it would?

Stop.

Find some beauty: in yourself; take care of yourself, push yourself to the limit, never stop pushing yourself. Find beauty in others: get to know someone; ask questions, be curious, go out on random adventures, get out of town, save money, live: simply live.

Be renewed. Change your attitude.

{You have just read my daily prep-talk that I read . . . to myself}

Determined to become all that I am

I always want to be inspired.

Sometimes I find normal life mundane.

I love to go to school, only I want to be challenged more.

I find it sad when I get impatient, because life is being patient with me.

Sometimes I find little things exciting (like fixing my car or making a paycheck...) but all too often I forget to feel grateful.

I want to be grateful.

I want always to find balance – to grow and change, but always, always remain: content.

Determined. And content.

the series of Lunacy

Emotions: womans worst enemy?
I know I'm not alone in the world of emotions, but that's the problem with emotions; they have no logic, they rarely have any reason, and because of this, while experiencing a lot of overwhelming emotions, you will probably feel completely and utterly alone and also very crazy.

That's how I felt yesterday after a very crazy week of the past meeting present and trying to understand my future. Why I feel like I have to understand everything, I do not know. How I can live and let go I am seeking to find. Everything else: I want to enjoy. I want my head to get out of the way.

So, I started an art series. Drawings in black and white. I hope to explore what has been and what I desire to be through a sketching of a girl who doesn't have the limits that I do as a human and that I struggle to accept...

está nevando en la ciudad de Portland

today i opened my eyes to the excitement of snow, in a warm bed, with a very happy heart and this is what i did:
i woke up slow.
then i pulled my clothes on and rumpled my hair, said goodbye and went on an adventure to buy a textbook off Craiglist from a lady who sent it to work with her husband. it saved me fifteen minutes of driving to their house and after a stop to get gas and another to get coffee, i was driving through a sleepy stretch of town called Aloha (20 min from Portland) where i found the address to an audio video store and asked for the husband. he was away on a parts run so i watched football on the car monitors that were for display and watched the snow out the window. he returned and  after making my purchase (and saving $50) i stopped at two different auto supply stores before finding what i needed.
at home, i immediately put on these glasses that made me feel smart all day... i took down the Christmas tree, vacuumed, did the dishes, swept, made a smoothie, did laundry, studied for an hour, changed my motorcycle battery, car headlight and air filter, showered, homework and a quiz: 100% on my nutrition quiz. 94.2% on online spanish homework... i accept.
next i read about pilot careers and worked on an essay.
dinner was made; vegetables, tempeh, lentils and rice.
more homework, then wrote a letter.
hung out with charli and some friends.
wrote. thought. painted.
planned a yoga sesh with a friend for tomorrow evening. with tea. and dinner.
this was my day, and now as i'm writing this i'm listening to "old enough" by the raconteurs.
now, i think i will study spanish one more time.
then i will dream of tomorrow.
think of all the things we can do tomorrow!
sometimes all you need is a pair of glasses to wear....

Domingo noche, 08 de enero, 37 grados {degrees} F.

Tomorrow I start yet another term of school. To cope with this upcoming fact I have snuggled in bed with a snack of almonds and raisins - accompanied, of course, by a glass of wine. The quilt that tops my bed and that I acquired when I lived in Hawaii is topped with a stack of aircraft and aviation "how to" books that I checked out at the downtown library today: Aircraft Recognition Guide, the Professional Pilots Career Guide, Hard Air, and the Instrument Flying Handbook . . . the fact is; I cannot stop thinking and dreaming about being a pilot, about --- flying.

Last week I had to sit myself down. Face the hard facts: flying is expensive. What happens if, for some reason, I am unable to fund this venture? I cannot be let down - and so I prepare myself, and I know that without a doubt if this happens I will need a new challenge. A new goal. So, I have come up with a backup plan. This involves becoming a flight attendant (for the air-miles and because I always thought it would be fun) and whatever other job I may need to get to save money. I would then probably buy a sailboat and teach myself to travel on the sea. Go to various islands and climb. Hike. Become closer to the earth. Breathe. Live.

But before that, more than anything, I desire to fly.

On wings I will soar

I have started a new journey. There is something inside of me that I do not understand, this drive that does not allow me to settle for anything but to be true to myself, and so I am pursuing a dream that has both inspired and frightened me since the first time I seriously considered it at the age of 16 - being a pilot.

The recent rebirth of this goal started during the summer when my motorcycle was no longer fast or big enough to be anything of a challenge to me. I would take it to the tallest mountains that it could handle and wish to go further, higher. Not wanting to become sidetracked from school though I decided to push through until I at least had my transfer degree - but this is becoming impossible. Not only do my classes seem like a waste of time when there is sunshine in the sky and I could be logging hours, but school is no longer a challenge when I could be doing something - in my eyes - greater; something like flying.

 

This week I had to stop and reevaluate my motives. What is it, I wondered, that inhibits me from committing to finishing school as I planned? I want to stay focused but maybe a change of focus is okay? I went through every option, every outcome at least a dozen times and I decided that it is all relative...life continues and it will continue but unless I do that which is burning in me to do: to be free of everything I do not understand and follow myself into the unknown, until then I will not be satisfied.

So, I'm applying to become a student of flight. Its scary to me and I know I will need the support of my friends to become the best that I can be, but I am confident that with you I will succeed. I've had various friends who have given me little pushes along the way so far to take the steps to actually start this process - my sister Kendra has been my biggest cheer leading squad ...she even went with me to the aviation medical doctor to get my examination because I was so nervous. Tomorrow I hand in my application and shall wait to see what happens... we shall see... we shall see.

welcome to my new blog

This summer has been a season of many changes for me, mainly in discovering more of who I am and what I want to do to become someone greater - and I feel as though I've jumped head first in making the changes necessary to do everything that is in my heart to do during the life I have to live.

A couple of things that I seriously enjoy are writing and art of any form. Photography and journalism are two things that I desire to grow in, but for whatever reason, haven't spent a great deal of time in developing, and it is here - in this blog - that I would like to write stories. Post some of my photos. I hope that in sharing you too will be able to come along with me on the many adventures that make my life so meaningful and exciting.

Cheers my friends.